Could I get you some cheese to go with that whine?

Uuuuggggghhh! Let me warn you now, I'm going to whine the whooooole time!

I had a mini break down tonight. What's new, right? I know! Today I went to a baby shower, expecting to eat a few things I shouldn't, even though I didn't want to and I would regret it later. Well, I was right. I ate what was served for lunch, probably 3 cookies a few bites of cake and 2 small (for real!) cups of Dr. Pepper. Talk about bloated! After eating good for 2 weeks, I had to go and do that! SO, feeling so full, I decided I had better not eat dinner... I didn't really get hungry but that probably wasn't the best choice after weeks and weeks of having SOMETHING at least every 2 hours! I KNOW BETTER! My metabolism is wacked for sure! So when it came time for my workout, boy was I sluggish! I just could not get myself to WANT to do it at all!! I put it in, (tonight was Cardio Power and Resistance) pushed play and did the workout. So why was tonight so different than any other night and why am I complaining? I had to stop so many times to catch my breath, so long at points I completely missed a few of the moves... I wasn't DIGGING at all! Okay, maybe a small little pothole or something, I was really sweaty but I didn't do well at all! I'm so disappointed in myself!

On top of a bad eating day, I'm sooo stressed out! Normal stuff, nothing crazy, just stuff like school, the kids fighting, a messy house (I just CANNOT keep up!!), finances and Sam not being here... I reaaaaaally miss my hubby! :( I honestly don't know if I can take two more weeks of this! I'm exhausted, my mind NEVER stops. I feel like I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders with him not here... like I have to take care of everything!

My head hurts and I can't even see clearly.

Tomorrow we celebrate Mother's Day at my Mom's so I can surely expect a day like today! Sigh...

I need some serious sleep.

Yoo hoo, summer legs?! Come out, come out, wherever you are!!

I've been working my butt off and I think it's safe to say I AM BACK!!! It took a little while to get back in the 'habit' of things but I finally did it! I've been so motivated and it's only natual to me to get my workouts in again... no matter what!! I'm seeing small changes already! I didn't weigh in on Monday so I don't know where I'm at weight wise BUT my jeans (size 2, mind you!) are loose and I'm seeing some definition in my legs again. Oooh how I've missed that!!

Speaking of these legs of mine... even though I've got some muscle peeking through, they still have a long way to go. My thighs are just all kinds of bad! I have GOT to slim them down somehow!! My goal is to be comfortable in short shorts and skirts this summer and NOT be ashamed of my legs. I've gone my whole life suffering in freakin 90 degree weather because of these bad boys... NO MORE!!!!

I found a few short workouts online that I've been using; one of them "Attack of the Saddlebags" by Debbie Siebers, which I love! In just a few days I'm noticing a difference! :)

Annnnywayy!

It's really starting to warm up! It was 80 degrees out today (now THAT is my kinda weather!!) so I took full advantage! I laid P down for his nap, Reagan and Aiden played in their sand box and I got to lay out for about an hour and a half! UGH my most favorite part of summer!!!

Could this be progress?!

Things are looking up! I'm staying super focused and super motivated and it's paying off! I lost 4 pounds last week! :)

I set myself a goal of 115, I was 118 Saturday morning, sooooo 3 pounds to go it seems!

I find myself wondering though, can I keep that goal? Weight loss is a sick, twisted game. My first round at weight loss after P was born, my goal was 125... then it was 115, then 110... and so on and so forth. Can I stay happy and work with my appearance at 115? I need to! I don't want to be sucked in again... I guess that's something that will always be in the back of my mind, though, having been down that road before. Sigh..

anyway! Insanity is going quite well! I still pause and take breaks when I feel my heart is failing but I keep at it! I cry regularly... to be quite honest, I like that a workout can make me cry. I WANT IT! OH, you don't even know how bad!

Tonight I found myself thinking, "Is this really worth it? I'm hungry, just stop and pick up again tomorrow, there's gotta be something 'good' to eat out there somewhere!" BUUUUUUT I didn't!! That's important!!! I took a deep breath and I dug deeper. I don't think I've ever sweat so much in my life! (That's a good thing since I tried a TEEEEEENY TINY piece of birthday cake earlier today and Mom snuck 4 bite size Reeses into my hand before I left tonight... BUT that's besides the point!!)

I just finished my protein shake and it was AMAAAAAZINGG! I'm feeling better... still stinky, but better! :)

Side note: Sam left for work this morning... only this time he will be gone for THREE weeks! I am not a happy girl! :( I miss him so much already! I feel like it's the end of the world or something and I'm never going to see him again! Ugh. Anyway, my point for writing this is, I guess for the next three weeks I am going to really PUSH myself! I want to be unrecognizable when he comes home again!

Ready to do this!

CHANGE

So, I think I'm going to make some changes... I can't stay focused! I'm so impatient! I saw results super fast before and I'm expecting the same this time...

I think I'm going to incorporate some of what I now know off of Michi's Ladder and from Weight Watchers and use it for my diet, sticking to around 1200-1400 calories or 24 points. And as I'm doing Insanity, I'm also going to throw in the Ab Ripper and maybe an upper body workout from P90X.

I went and got a bunch of groceries... all healthy selections so I can get back on track food wise...

I got off track the past two days due to the yardsale this weekend but I'm ready for tomorrow...

I'm thinking to start back with Day 1 with Insanity. Clean slate. I hate to start over but I think I need to... plus I like Mondays as a start day for myself!

Anyway, just jotting down a few thoughts... see you all in the AM! :)

Raising the bar!

"You don't know what your limits are unless you test them -- unless you keep raising the bar."

Today was day 2 of Insanity. I fought with myself all morning until finally I said, "You buy all these workouts, do two or three days, and QUIT! It's 60 days!! Just do it! ALL 60!" So I got out my Plyo Cardio Circuit and I PUSHED PLAY! It's warm up time... already sweat was dripping, my heart was racing, and I began to question myself! "This is hard!" I kept at it. I got into it and a little over half way through Shaun T walks over to one of the women and says, "You've never worn a sports bra before this have you?!" And she screamed with so much emotion "NO!" and she looked so amazing! I broke out into tears, screamed my way through the rest of the workout and I FINISHED! I finished, I finished, I FINISHED!!!!

Why did I cry? Because I can imagine how that woman felt before she was able to put a sports bra on to workout... to feel comfortable enough. I workout at HOME! I put a sports bra on and THEN put a huge t-shirt on top of it.

I cried because I want this so, so badly! I can't live another day feeling miserable because I can't make myself complete a measly 60 day workout! NO MORE! Today was day 2, tomorrow is day 3, the day after is 4, etc, etc... I WILL COMPLETE INSANITY! I'm eating healthy again and I am NOT giving up!

I'm ready to dig... DEEP!!

"The principle is competing against yourself. It's about self-improvement, about being better than you were the day before."

Fit Test Results

Okay, Insanity day 1 - Fit test DONE! To be quite honest, it's a workout in itself! Results are as follows: 92 switch kicks, 26 power jacks, 60 high knees, 17 power jumps, 6 globs jumps, 6 suicide jumps, 12 push up jacks and 35 lower plank obliques.

I'm so out of shape, my gosh! I thought my heart was going to pound right out of my chest!!

Anyway, I just finished my protein, I'm hoping to hit the treadmill and weights later! :)

INSANE starting today!

It's been a while! That means I've been SLACKING!! Between Easter, getting things ready for our yard sale, Aiden turning 4, Reagan turning 5 and just about everything else, I stopped eating healthy and exercising. I just couldn't really get into my P90X. BUT (a good but) I got INSANITY! I watched a few of the dvd's last night and I an PUMPED! I cannot wait! THIS looks so much more like my style of workout! Upbeat and fast pace... I can't wait! I start today! Super super excited and ready to DIG DEEPER!!!

Yep! Still fat!

Here it is, folks... this weeks crappy post!

The weather is finally cooperating and I am still fat! Why do I do this to myself?! I haven't been exercising or eating right at all!

Back to it today, hopefully to stay!

Money is tight and I don't have a whole lot of food in the house but I'll make due and try to stay away from the rest of the Easter candy!

Wish me luck... Lord knows I'll need it!

Oh happy day!

Breaks out into song; Oh happy day, oooooh happy day...

I weighed myself this morning against my better judgement... down 3 pounds since Monday, baby!!! :)

That right there just motivates me even more!

Miss thang came to visit yesterday... here I thought I was having my 4th child! What a releif! Anyway, I wasn't able to get my scheduled workout in so it is now on today's agenda!

I felt so guilty about not doing my workout. Like last night, I couldn't... I probably could have, I just didn't feel like hemorrhaging. Other times, I just don't want to, but I feel loads better after I do! I'll keep that in mind for today!

Side note:
Super proud of my sister! She's sticking to her plan like WHOA! WTG Jess!

Try your best and forget the rest!

TRY YOUR BEST AND FORGET THE REST! Yes, I am feeling pretty positive today!

Yesterday's checklist consisted of: Drink at least 80 oz. of water, at least 3 miles on the treadmill, P90X workout and some other random exercises. What did I do? I surpassed my goal for the water and ended up drinking about 120 oz. I did 2 miles on the treadmill instead of 3, ONLY because it was so late [yeah, that kind of sounds like an excuse, ugh!], completed P90X Chest and Back and did some squats, abdominal twists and curls [if you count only 3 for each arm, haha!] STILL, I did what I intended to do and I feel good about that!

Today I'm aiming for at least 80 oz. of water, at LEAST 1 mile on the treadmill and P90X Plyometrics and Ab Ripper X [I didn't realize the Ab Ripper was supposed to be done yesterday, so I'm doing it today]. Really not looking forward to Plyometrics... last time I tried doing it I cried and gave up. NOT TODAY!!! I have to do it!

So why did I title this "Try your best and forget the rest" ? Because last night as I was doing Chest and Back I kept thinking to myself, "I can't do these! I'm using my leg completely for the "assisted" pull ups and I can only do the standard pushups..." then Tony said "Try your best and forget the rest" and I told myself to suck it up and finish the workout... and I did! I know I'm going to need that for today because, like I said, last time I tried today's workout I cried and gave up.

Soo, that's today's motto!

Let's get it done!

Ps. Happy Birthday, Barbie! :)

So much for Tuesday, TODAY is the day!

I was laying so comfortably in my nice warm bed [the boys were coming in from time to time, but even so, I was enjoying not getting up!] when my phone rang. Little did I know it was my sister kicking my cake-eating butt into shape before I had even opened my eyes!!!

Here's the deal! I call her one day with what I expect from her, ie: a mile on the treadmill and a workout of her choice... and she will call me the next, doing the same. Reasonable right?

By the end of today I need to have gotten in at least 3 miles on the treadmill, a P90X workout, random toning exercises and at least 80 oz. of water. " think I can, I think I can..."

I have to! I need to do some quick toning!

I'm actually looking forward to this challenge. A lot of the time, that's all I need! We also decided to blog daily to hold ourselves accountable. Ooooooh yeah! This is really happening!

Am I really on my way to being sexy again!? We shall seeeeee!! :)

Hurry! Hide the cake!

Hi, my name is Nicole and I am addicted to sweets!

I CAN'T STOP EATING!!

I have probably gained 15 pounds over the past few weeks, no joke. I'm disgusting. [I say this as a delicious FUNFETTI cake bakes in my oven!]

I've fallen off the wagon and I can't seem to find it! I'm hoping to find it again on Tuesday... the cake should be gone by then! Yeah, it's that bad!

I've been so stressed and hurting! So many painful memories keep trying to re-surface. I've cried so much the past few nights... I feel like the old me; the crazy me! I don't like her.

I turn to food [I never used to] and when I'm done, I'm sick and so angry with myself! I feel horrible! Forget any type of cute clothes this summer, I guess! THIS needs to be hidden!!! Jeans it is!

Sigh...

Okay, I'm a psycho.

I just had the biggest break down everrrrr, I swear!!

I'm addicted to something... all the time. It can be anything!

I spent the past year and a half fighting the thought of an eating disorder... and working out EXCESSIVELY!!! Then it turned into binging and I mean BINGING! A short lived idea of working out again and the past few days I've eaten like food is going out of style. I cannot win. If I have to live in this disgusting body for another day I am going to scream!!

I spent the past hour fighting to see through tear filled eyes TRYING to do dishes... thinking, bringing back old demons. Abusing laxatives, the thought of not eating... I am DESPERATE!

I spent over $300 on supplements, protein, workouts, YOU NAME IT! and I've spent the entire day eating CRAP!!!

Seriously, I feel like I made more progress eating close to nothing and working myself to death!

I'm so disappointed in myself! :[

Where's my heart at?

To be completely honest, I haven't been putting my heart into this. I want it sooo badly but I give in sooo easily! WHY!?

Jess posted brazillian beauties throughout her kitchen... I e-mailed her pictures so I can do the same. Something's gotta change here!!

I told the kids that there's going to be some changes. They want a snack and ask for chips and cookies... they are 3 and 4 years old... how sad is that? I'm restocking the house with only good foods so when I feel like giving in, I don't reach for crap! Not only that, but I want my family to be healthy! Aiden naturally has a bigger build, I don't want him getting fat.

I've been doing some sarchingg for other things I can be doing with P90x. My Oxygen magazines have a lot of different tips and exercises and online I came across Zuzana Light from BodyRock!

I'm going to keep up with her workouts. I think I'll run at the first part of the day, BodyRock mid-day and P90X in the evenings.

I keep reminding myself that summer is just around the corner! That means shorts and bikinis... and these big thunder thighs are not ready yet!!!

Attack of the GIANT CUPCAKE!

What can I say... bad couple of days. Birthdays and nutrition do not mix... 'nuff said.

Aunt Beth reminded the boys it was Mommy's birthday today and got them all excited. We went to town for a cake mix and lots and lots of sprinkles, came home, ate some chicken balls [aka popcorn chicken, haha] and made a giant cupcake! It was really good [super sweet] and the boys loved doing it for me!

Back to working out and eating super duper clean tomorrow! I'm excited! I've really gotten into working out again and I don't know if it's just me but I can totally see and feel a difference in my arms!

Call me weird but I just love the feel of a good workout; sore, dripping with sweat.

I left town with a new set of dumbells and a new workout dvd;
PERSONAL TRAINING WITH JACKIE

I hope it's good! I'll probably pop in in tomorrow, maybe while the boys are at school...

uuuuugh school! That means another chaotic morning that I am not looking forward to! Sigh, until then, I suppose! Here's to getting back on track!

Who's got their tickets to the gun show?

You better get em fast cause these babies are on fiiiiiiiiiire!

Oh yeah, me and Tony hit it hard tonight! I completed the Back &Biceps workout plus the Ab Ripper X! aaaaaand earlier today I ran off 440 calories on the treadmill! Talk about sweat!!!

I think I'm finally getting the hang of P90X. The mistake I made was going into it thinking I was gonna be a pro... boy, was I wrong! NOW I'm okay with that, it took a few little hissy fits to get me here, but I'm alright, I'm trying my best!

I made my super duper amazzzzing protein shake again tonight!

Recipe as follows:
2 scoops of vanilla whey protein
1 c. cold water
Handful of fresh strawberries (thanks, Mom and Dad! :))
Half of a banana (last night I used a whole one)
1 tbsp. peanut butter
and ICE!

Sooooo good!

Weigh in is tomorrow! I'm kind of scared... I don't know if it's farmiliar thoughts or what but I'm afraid the scale will show me an ugly number. I know I'm working out and taking protein so it's a possibility, I just don't want to fall back into that, everrr! I'll take measurements, too.

'til then, ladies and gents!

BRING IT!

I am not a quitter!!

So, here's the deal. I'm totally intimidated and I need to stop.

Yesterday I woke up soooo sore from Chest &Back. I found my upper body has zero strength BUT [a good but] I can't let that get me down. I really want to build my arms.

Last night was Plyometrics and let me tell you, it was HARD! And to be completely honest, I didn't finish. I took an intentional BREAK, ended up throwing myself a big fat pity party, said "I JUST CAN'T DO IT!", cried a little and gave up with 32 minutes to go. THEN it went downhill from there. I won't go into detail but today I am very disappointed in myself. It won't happen again. Today I am sick, I am tired and so guilty.

Don't get me wrong, I am feeling the 30 minutes I put in, my legs are sore, but I should have finished.

LESSON LEARNED!!

I think until I can build my endurance, I'm going to do some modifying. I am going to get back into my running, do P90's Ab Ripper DAILY with a FEW of the other P90 workouts... just maybe not in order. I used to pump out over 60 squats and now I'm complaining over a few in Plyometrics... I just have to build myself back up. I can't believe I let myself get back to this point. I was fairly fit before... now I'm back to square one.

Oh well, the only person I have to blame is myself.. too many Butterfingers and Oatmeal cream pies.

I feel like such a quitter... BROWNS ARE NOT QUITTERS!!!! I will do this!

I've got some real trouble areas I need to work on. My mid section really needs some tightening. I miss my abs! [Sigh!] My love handles are back with a vengeance, my legs [everything about them; calves, knees, thighs...] are just bad and this butt of mine could use a good old LIFT!

I refuse to look like this for summer. I will be firm again!

Time to kick it up a notch!
Rockin body, here I come!!!

Tony Horton would be ashamed!

Okay, people! I'm here, I'm alive... barely, but I am. Hands callused and shaky, stomach in my throat, what more do you want? I did it! Day 1 P90X - CHEST &BACK COMPLETED!

Here's what went down:

I wake up, tired, but prepared to face the day. Breakfast consisted of a cup of nonfat, strawberry yogurt, 10 almonds and a kiwi. Feeling bad about not pushing play recently, totally intimdated... I know my P90 is sitting in my dresser drawer. Tony's calling me out. I get dressed, shovel toys out of the way and make a big enough path for me to do my thaaang and PUSH PLAY!

Okay, stretching... warming up... hurting already!? There is no way! Then, the real workout begins. Here we go!

Push ups; standard: 17

Pull ups: 6, assisted

Push ups; military style: 15

pull ups: 1 ALL BY MYSELF, 3 assisted

Push ups; wide: 12

Pull ups: FOUR

Push ups; decline: 10

Heavy pants; 20 pound weights: 11

5th set push ups; diamond: 8

Lawnmowers; 20 pound weights: 10

Divebombers: 12

Backflies; resistant band: 5

Pull ups; wide: 5

Push ups; standard: 12

Pull ups; reverse: 2!? REALLY!?

Push ups; military: 6

Pull ups; assisted: GOAL 8, did 8

*Changed a dirty diaper that was calling my name, yeah, I was that desperate!*

Push ups; widefly: GOAL 5, did 15!!! :)
Heavy pants; 20 pound weights: 7

Push ups; decline: 7

Lawn mower; lef; 20 pound weight: 6
Lawn mower; right; 20 pound weight: 10

Push ups; diamond: 7

Backflies; resistant band: 13

Divebombers: 12

Quick little cool down... yeaaaah. Now I know why they called it P90X

I've got blisters on me fingerssss!

I totally could have brought up my breakfast numerous times throughout the workout, but I held it in and made it through. I topped it off with a protein shake made with chocolate whey, 1 c. LF soy milk and fresh strawberries. This time, it wasn't so bad.

Lunch is cooking now, lemon and pepper seasoned chicken breast, brown rice and mixed vegetables...

I don't feel DONE anymore... I may pick another workout later, use my weights or take a run on the treadmill. Whatever I do, I'll be back!

Don't fret, this was not the death of me! I have a pulse again!!!

BRING IT!!

I could just kick myself. I've lost control again.

I checked the status of my order, that still has not comeeeee, and it is here in Indiana, sooo... it should be here today.

Saturday, for real.

I'm a ball of nerves

Soo, it's been a few days... I'll try to recap.

One day last week, I don't remember which one, I was bringin it, ready to put my new treadmill to good use. The babe was down for his nap, the boys were with me, watching a movie. I'm feelin it, upping my speed... I hear the boys goofing off, sliding their feet off the back of the treadmill. I warn them, tell them they're going to get really hurt if they don't stop. Not listening, they continue. In no time, Aiden steps on, the speed of the treadmill throws him down and pins him between the back of the machine and the chair, while it eats at his arm. I rip the key out, jump off of the treadmill, pick him up and take off running for the bathroom. The damage?

His arm broke open yesterday and started bleeding off and on all afternoon... today it it hot to the touch. He had an ointment called in so we're using that, but I wonder if it's infected?

THEN, Saturday finally rolls around.

I ate super duper clean all week long. Against my better judgement, I get out the scale and weigh myself. [Hey, one day is better than EVERY day, right?? YES IT IS!] Well, to my surprise, I am 3 pounds lighter!! Haaaaaappy, feeling confident, I make the fam their breakfast, then myself a broccolli and feta cheese omlette... yummm! Peyton is covered in syrup so my husband puts him in the shower so I can eat. I hear him start to cry so I go to him and my husband gets him a towel. "Let's get him out before he passes out in here" We pick him up and the next thing I know I am on the phone with 911!

My baby was having a Grand Mal Seizure before my very eyes; shaking uncontrollably, both eyes completely rolled back into his little baby head, making a strange clicking sound with his mouth... the whole 9 yards.

In minutes, the paramedics came and we were on our way to our local Hospital. We spent a few hours there before they ship us off to Children's Hospital in Pittsburgh. We spend the rest of the day there for them to treat us like crap and send us home.

We make the drive home with him, who earlier was completely lifeless. We put him to bed and I break down... and I mean reallllly break down. My husband tells me later that he thought Peyton had died... so did I.

I have never been so scared in my entire life.

For the past few days it's been Dr. appointments, calls to and from Doctors, "Let's try this and this... then this" and today I get a call from our pediatritian. I saw the ID on my phone and felt a glimmer of hope, only after that call, I was left back where I was. The original plan was to go elsewhere. If our Hospitals weren't going to treat Peyton, I'd refuse to go back and we would take him to Geisinger Hospital. During the conversation with our Dr. I learned that Geisinger refuses to see Peyton because Children's in Pittsburgh isn't refusing to see him. BUT I AM! I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK!!! [Total tatrum right there!]

I guess now we'll be getting an event monitor which will monitor an episode, start to finish and 2 minutes prior. If his heart stops for any amount of time it will show up as an abnormality and we'll dig a little deeper... [Suuuuuuuure! I'll believe it when I see it!]

Sigh... I just don't think I can take any more crap! Besides those few things, there are others and with those things on top of life in general, I just feel so depressed!

I haven't been bringin it... at all. In fact I've been eating a bunch of crap... using all of this as a good excuse. I can't keep doing this... I know that. Back on track tomorrow, for real. Back to eating super duper clean, exercising.

Life happens no matter what. With that said, I'll make it work. Time to get started... AGAIN!

BRING IT!

Cold feet?

I can't really explain how I'm feeling this morning. Definitely not bringin' it, though! Sigh.. I was so pumped when I got my packages last night! The plan was to go to town to get some things to mix in with my Whey and my Shakeology and a few other things. Sam and the boys wanted to get dinner first which I was dreading! I thought of it as ONE LAST HOORAH! Big mistake! I came home feeling like crap! So un-necessary! We got back home, turned on P90X [I wanted to see what I was getting into] and bummed myself out instantly! My pull up bar hasn't come in yet and the whole first dvd is push ups and PULL UPS! THEN [yes, the dreaded THEN] I had Sam take my before shots... UGH! I knew I looked bad but not that bad! I know I won't get anywhere drowning myself in self-pity, but I feel like I'll never have the results I'm looking for!! I've got a long way to go!

Note to self: Get up and get over it!!!
There are plenty of other things I can be doing... I did it before, I can do it now!

I just finished my first Shakeology. It wasn't bad! I used the peanut butter cup recipe. Tomorrow I'll try the Thin Mint!

Okay, feeling a little better. I think it took me going back and reading my sorry excuses to realize what I have to do! Who knows, my other package may even come today and I refuse to let this day to go waste!

Here's to today!

DECIDE, COMMIT, SUCCEED!

I'm excited to say that my lovely delivery man left a package at my door... "I think it is... I hope it is... IT IS!" P90X AND SHAKEOLOGY!

Tonight I will, yet again, stop at the store for the last few things I need and take a before picture. I suppose I will take one days 30, 60 and 90, too!

Day 1 - TOMORROW!
I'm going to try getting up before the kids do... start the day off with HOPEFULLY an hour on the treadmill and begin my 1,400 calorie day [Thanks for the help, Coach!]

Suuuuuper excited! BRING IT!

"What the heck did I just drink!?"

I wake up around 8:00 to my youngest son chitter-chattering in his room, which is next to mine, and my two older boys already about to kill eachother. I think to myself, "Oooh, I can play on my new laptop today!" and then I remember, "I can start my Whey Protein today, too! I forgot!" I get the baby from his room, head to the kitchen and mix myself this wonderful chocolatey protein drink! RIIIIIIGHT! "The scoop is HUUUUGE and they want me to use two!? No way!" I barely get one mixed in and I take my fist swallow. I can feel my insides churning and I quickly begin to gag. It takes everything in me to keep that one swallow of "the best-tasting musclebuilding milk protein formula" down! WOW! I take another big swallow. So big my cheecks are full. "Just drink it fast! Get it down!" I think to myself! I swallow hard and immediately take a gulp of water. Repeat. Gag after gag, it's just not working. I take another mouthful, swallow and this time I try a big bite of bananna. Still bad but do-able. I stand at the sink for what seems to be forever before I get it all down. I take a minute to collect myself and think "What the heck did I just drink!?" That definitely is NOT the "best-tasting!"

Did I do something wrong? How can people take this stuff? Is there some secret I don't know about? I want to continue... I want the benefits, I just don't know if I can do that everyday, 2-3x a day!!!

Sigh...

anyway, I went shopping late last night so I would have lots of healthy cooking options. I came home with so much chicken, several different spices, vegetables, etc. One thing I'm not sure of, though, is how many calories I should consume? I know the amount my body is used to is probably a big no-no to this new way of living, but if I up them, will it make me gain? It's like if I eat one calorie over what I am used to now, I gain!

[In the most pathetic sounding voice I can work up] "Ughh, I need help!"

Change. Body &Mind.

We all have changes we'd like to make some time in our lives. We also have choices. You see, we as people have the ability to change. We can change our hair, our clothes... our attitudes!

Today I am making a change! I'm not changing my hair or my clothes, [I'm still in my bed clothes, thank you, children!] I'M CHANGING MY MIND!

For the past almost two years, I've had my mind set on being thin. Even sick thin. "Anything to lose weight and look good!" or so I thought!

A few days ago I came across something [or should I say, someone] life-changing! Barbie Decker. What an amazing woman! You haven't seen dedication until you've seen Barbie. She's changed me forever. Even more so, she's saved me!

I've been walking down a very crooked path. Not eating, eating very little, losing sleep over what I could or couldn't eat, allowing the scale to determine my moods... I could go on and on! Don't get me wrong, I still think thin looks good, but I also believe with all of my heart that if I wouldn't have changed my thinking and if I don't change my ways, my husband will someday in the very near future, no longer have a wife, my children will no longer have a mother... I wouldn't be a daughter, a sister, an aunt... only a memory!

I've taken a step and I am READY to change. I plan to up my calories and work out HARD [I've ordered P90X, Iron Gym and Shakeology] I am going to transform my body! Yes, I am going to be thin, but I will also be firm and lean!

I cannot wait to start this journey! Here's to change!

Thank you, Barbie!