I could just kick myself. I've lost control again.

I checked the status of my order, that still has not comeeeee, and it is here in Indiana, sooo... it should be here today.

Saturday, for real.

I'm a ball of nerves

Soo, it's been a few days... I'll try to recap.

One day last week, I don't remember which one, I was bringin it, ready to put my new treadmill to good use. The babe was down for his nap, the boys were with me, watching a movie. I'm feelin it, upping my speed... I hear the boys goofing off, sliding their feet off the back of the treadmill. I warn them, tell them they're going to get really hurt if they don't stop. Not listening, they continue. In no time, Aiden steps on, the speed of the treadmill throws him down and pins him between the back of the machine and the chair, while it eats at his arm. I rip the key out, jump off of the treadmill, pick him up and take off running for the bathroom. The damage?

His arm broke open yesterday and started bleeding off and on all afternoon... today it it hot to the touch. He had an ointment called in so we're using that, but I wonder if it's infected?

THEN, Saturday finally rolls around.

I ate super duper clean all week long. Against my better judgement, I get out the scale and weigh myself. [Hey, one day is better than EVERY day, right?? YES IT IS!] Well, to my surprise, I am 3 pounds lighter!! Haaaaaappy, feeling confident, I make the fam their breakfast, then myself a broccolli and feta cheese omlette... yummm! Peyton is covered in syrup so my husband puts him in the shower so I can eat. I hear him start to cry so I go to him and my husband gets him a towel. "Let's get him out before he passes out in here" We pick him up and the next thing I know I am on the phone with 911!

My baby was having a Grand Mal Seizure before my very eyes; shaking uncontrollably, both eyes completely rolled back into his little baby head, making a strange clicking sound with his mouth... the whole 9 yards.

In minutes, the paramedics came and we were on our way to our local Hospital. We spent a few hours there before they ship us off to Children's Hospital in Pittsburgh. We spend the rest of the day there for them to treat us like crap and send us home.

We make the drive home with him, who earlier was completely lifeless. We put him to bed and I break down... and I mean reallllly break down. My husband tells me later that he thought Peyton had died... so did I.

I have never been so scared in my entire life.

For the past few days it's been Dr. appointments, calls to and from Doctors, "Let's try this and this... then this" and today I get a call from our pediatritian. I saw the ID on my phone and felt a glimmer of hope, only after that call, I was left back where I was. The original plan was to go elsewhere. If our Hospitals weren't going to treat Peyton, I'd refuse to go back and we would take him to Geisinger Hospital. During the conversation with our Dr. I learned that Geisinger refuses to see Peyton because Children's in Pittsburgh isn't refusing to see him. BUT I AM! I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK!!! [Total tatrum right there!]

I guess now we'll be getting an event monitor which will monitor an episode, start to finish and 2 minutes prior. If his heart stops for any amount of time it will show up as an abnormality and we'll dig a little deeper... [Suuuuuuuure! I'll believe it when I see it!]

Sigh... I just don't think I can take any more crap! Besides those few things, there are others and with those things on top of life in general, I just feel so depressed!

I haven't been bringin it... at all. In fact I've been eating a bunch of crap... using all of this as a good excuse. I can't keep doing this... I know that. Back on track tomorrow, for real. Back to eating super duper clean, exercising.

Life happens no matter what. With that said, I'll make it work. Time to get started... AGAIN!

BRING IT!

Cold feet?

I can't really explain how I'm feeling this morning. Definitely not bringin' it, though! Sigh.. I was so pumped when I got my packages last night! The plan was to go to town to get some things to mix in with my Whey and my Shakeology and a few other things. Sam and the boys wanted to get dinner first which I was dreading! I thought of it as ONE LAST HOORAH! Big mistake! I came home feeling like crap! So un-necessary! We got back home, turned on P90X [I wanted to see what I was getting into] and bummed myself out instantly! My pull up bar hasn't come in yet and the whole first dvd is push ups and PULL UPS! THEN [yes, the dreaded THEN] I had Sam take my before shots... UGH! I knew I looked bad but not that bad! I know I won't get anywhere drowning myself in self-pity, but I feel like I'll never have the results I'm looking for!! I've got a long way to go!

Note to self: Get up and get over it!!!
There are plenty of other things I can be doing... I did it before, I can do it now!

I just finished my first Shakeology. It wasn't bad! I used the peanut butter cup recipe. Tomorrow I'll try the Thin Mint!

Okay, feeling a little better. I think it took me going back and reading my sorry excuses to realize what I have to do! Who knows, my other package may even come today and I refuse to let this day to go waste!

Here's to today!

DECIDE, COMMIT, SUCCEED!

I'm excited to say that my lovely delivery man left a package at my door... "I think it is... I hope it is... IT IS!" P90X AND SHAKEOLOGY!

Tonight I will, yet again, stop at the store for the last few things I need and take a before picture. I suppose I will take one days 30, 60 and 90, too!

Day 1 - TOMORROW!
I'm going to try getting up before the kids do... start the day off with HOPEFULLY an hour on the treadmill and begin my 1,400 calorie day [Thanks for the help, Coach!]

Suuuuuper excited! BRING IT!

"What the heck did I just drink!?"

I wake up around 8:00 to my youngest son chitter-chattering in his room, which is next to mine, and my two older boys already about to kill eachother. I think to myself, "Oooh, I can play on my new laptop today!" and then I remember, "I can start my Whey Protein today, too! I forgot!" I get the baby from his room, head to the kitchen and mix myself this wonderful chocolatey protein drink! RIIIIIIGHT! "The scoop is HUUUUGE and they want me to use two!? No way!" I barely get one mixed in and I take my fist swallow. I can feel my insides churning and I quickly begin to gag. It takes everything in me to keep that one swallow of "the best-tasting musclebuilding milk protein formula" down! WOW! I take another big swallow. So big my cheecks are full. "Just drink it fast! Get it down!" I think to myself! I swallow hard and immediately take a gulp of water. Repeat. Gag after gag, it's just not working. I take another mouthful, swallow and this time I try a big bite of bananna. Still bad but do-able. I stand at the sink for what seems to be forever before I get it all down. I take a minute to collect myself and think "What the heck did I just drink!?" That definitely is NOT the "best-tasting!"

Did I do something wrong? How can people take this stuff? Is there some secret I don't know about? I want to continue... I want the benefits, I just don't know if I can do that everyday, 2-3x a day!!!

Sigh...

anyway, I went shopping late last night so I would have lots of healthy cooking options. I came home with so much chicken, several different spices, vegetables, etc. One thing I'm not sure of, though, is how many calories I should consume? I know the amount my body is used to is probably a big no-no to this new way of living, but if I up them, will it make me gain? It's like if I eat one calorie over what I am used to now, I gain!

[In the most pathetic sounding voice I can work up] "Ughh, I need help!"

Change. Body &Mind.

We all have changes we'd like to make some time in our lives. We also have choices. You see, we as people have the ability to change. We can change our hair, our clothes... our attitudes!

Today I am making a change! I'm not changing my hair or my clothes, [I'm still in my bed clothes, thank you, children!] I'M CHANGING MY MIND!

For the past almost two years, I've had my mind set on being thin. Even sick thin. "Anything to lose weight and look good!" or so I thought!

A few days ago I came across something [or should I say, someone] life-changing! Barbie Decker. What an amazing woman! You haven't seen dedication until you've seen Barbie. She's changed me forever. Even more so, she's saved me!

I've been walking down a very crooked path. Not eating, eating very little, losing sleep over what I could or couldn't eat, allowing the scale to determine my moods... I could go on and on! Don't get me wrong, I still think thin looks good, but I also believe with all of my heart that if I wouldn't have changed my thinking and if I don't change my ways, my husband will someday in the very near future, no longer have a wife, my children will no longer have a mother... I wouldn't be a daughter, a sister, an aunt... only a memory!

I've taken a step and I am READY to change. I plan to up my calories and work out HARD [I've ordered P90X, Iron Gym and Shakeology] I am going to transform my body! Yes, I am going to be thin, but I will also be firm and lean!

I cannot wait to start this journey! Here's to change!

Thank you, Barbie!